Worus

Today was a good day, for the most part. Work was easy and fun. I got to work with Ronda, which is a big plus. I haven’t seen her for a long time, because she helped set up the Jordan Creek store. I was actually kind of sad when it was time to go, which is not normal for me. Normally, I want to get home and just chill. It may be that I got to bed earlier than normal last night after hanging out with the family so I wasn’t at work just exhausted or anything.

Dinner was a little painful. This happened last night, but I tried to ignore it. My parents, grandmother, and her husband tried to hook me up with my grandmother’s husband’s granddaughter. Normally, I can just push these things off and whatever. I can easily turn my head at one off handed comment. I know that my family is trying to make sure that I look back and wonder why I’m lonely in the future. The part that really started to upset me was then they did not stop when I replied that I would not take her out for just one night if I were set up to do so. Wow. Just wow.

After dinner, we were having desert and my dad decides to tell a degrading joke as well. Now, I understand that most jokes are funny as long as you’re not the one getting picked on. Also, what goes around comes around. Someone is the butt of every joke, and that’s fine. I just was already upset enough about the whole thing that I didn’t need to feel like the butt of that joke. I realize that they didn’t know any better, and I have the power to change that, but I guess all I’m trying to get at is that it did hurt a bit. Before my dad told the joke, my brother Joe was asked if he remembered the joke and Joe said, “Yeah, but I didn’t think that one was that funny.” Thanks, Joe.

I guess my biggest thing right now is that I’m hurting. It’s nights like tonight that I just don’t feel strong enough to share my life with my family. I wish I could be strong enough, but right now I’m just not. I don’t know why, either. I’m a strong person, damn it. It’s not that I’m ashamed, either. I think it’s that I love my family. It’s hard to put that feeling at risk. It turns into a question of what’s more important to me, and that’s a choice that I need to make for myself.

I get plenty of criticism for my choices on the matter. However, they are my choices, and I try not to ask for pity from others due to my own choices. Still, some feel the need to tell me how to live my life with regards to my family, even though that is the complete antithesis of what I feel my family projects on to me at times. It’s no better.

One day, things won’t hurt any more. I know this. The relationship that I have with my family, more paticularly with my parents, will need to mature at some point. Our relationship will change at the right time, for the right reasons, and it will be on my own accord. It will not be through external pressure. The when, why, and how are mine to decide and that’s all that matters. I’m strong, damn it; my strength does not need to be a lack of cowardice; I make my own decisions, because I determine my own destiny.

I just hate hurting, but some things aren’t forever.

I don’t know what happened today. I started the day somewhat depressed. There was a lot of commotion around the apartment because the neighboors moved today. Maybe the extra commotion had something to do with it. Regardless, I finished my laundry and got to going for the day. On the way out, I was talking to my neighboor, Cara, and I found out why she’s moving: she has to have a surgery and has no health insurance so she’s moving back home. How sad is that? Still, I wouldn’t attempt trying to pay for a surgery without health insurance without cutting some expense (rent), either.

I got myself a new wallet today, which is exciting. I wasn’t really looking for one specifically, but I saw one that I liked, whilst being out and about. I’ve been meaning to get a new wallet for a while, because the old corduroy green and yellow wallet has needed replacement for a while. I’m pretty darn excited about having a new wallet. Mostly because it’s new and different. I had my previous one for probably four or more years.

By this point of the day I was feeling okay, but still not the greatest. I had a family dinner to go to tonight, and before leaving for some strange reason I just suddenly felt better. I felt like I got an old part of myself back from just a couple years ago. I can’t explain it, because I don’t really know what changed. Something is different, though. I feel more like I’m back on my old vibe, which is nice. I guess I’ll just see if it was a “today thing” or if it perpetuates for a while. I’m hoping that I can keep it for a while, even if I don’t know what “it” is.