Fuck-Up.
I think the only way to describe my mood right now is either “bored” or “tired.”
I’m bored with doing one of three things every single night: work, see Dean, play video games at home, alone. That’s all I ever do, and there’s only so much merit to it. I love seeing Dean, I love playing video games, and I need the money that I earn at work. The thing is that I’m bored with only doing this. I love Dean dearly, and I don’t consider him to have anything to do with any of this. However, I never do anything different, ever.
I’m tired of feeling like escaping into some kind of hermitage would solve all of the issues that I have with self-esteem. I’m tired of telling myself that I need to be proactive instead of reactive on the issue; when in what few attempts I’ve made, I have failed. I’m tired of having one half of one hand full of tries at that game. I’m tired of hearing about what I’m not really doing.
I know that I don’t let some people in my life know that I care near enough. I don’t know why I get caught up in my own issues with self-esteem, but I do. I wish I didn’t, but I think that’s going to happen until I learn to deal with my issues. I guess I can’t help but be greedy like that.
I wish that I knew what to do.
I don’t like the fact that I’m considering myself such a total fuck-up that I’d rather be back in school so that I don’t think about these things. Anyone that truly knows me knows that I like nothing more than break from school, when I don’t have to stress myself over grades and deadlines. So what am I considering? Teaching myself how to do double and triple integrals. Probably not a smart move on my part, but I don’t care.