Worus

I think the only way to describe my mood right now is either “bored” or “tired.”

I’m bored with doing one of three things every single night: work, see Dean, play video games at home, alone. That’s all I ever do, and there’s only so much merit to it. I love seeing Dean, I love playing video games, and I need the money that I earn at work. The thing is that I’m bored with only doing this. I love Dean dearly, and I don’t consider him to have anything to do with any of this. However, I never do anything different, ever.

I’m tired of feeling like escaping into some kind of hermitage would solve all of the issues that I have with self-esteem. I’m tired of telling myself that I need to be proactive instead of reactive on the issue; when in what few attempts I’ve made, I have failed. I’m tired of having one half of one hand full of tries at that game. I’m tired of hearing about what I’m not really doing.

I know that I don’t let some people in my life know that I care near enough. I don’t know why I get caught up in my own issues with self-esteem, but I do. I wish I didn’t, but I think that’s going to happen until I learn to deal with my issues. I guess I can’t help but be greedy like that.

I wish that I knew what to do.

I don’t like the fact that I’m considering myself such a total fuck-up that I’d rather be back in school so that I don’t think about these things. Anyone that truly knows me knows that I like nothing more than break from school, when I don’t have to stress myself over grades and deadlines. So what am I considering? Teaching myself how to do double and triple integrals. Probably not a smart move on my part, but I don’t care.

All of the grade madness is over. I got a C in physics, which is sad. I thought I’d get a C-, which would have been even more sad. Still, a C is not a B, and I wanted a B. Maybe if I hire a tutor for Physics 222. I got a B+ in speech, which is also sad, because I wanted an A. Still, a B+ is good. An A in software engineering, and a B in discrete math. The grand total for the grade point average was a 2.93, so I get to keep my cumulative grade point of 2.94. I must try to kick some ass next semester as to not lower it any (and hopefully raise it).

Break is going okay, I guess. I’m working a lot. The only day that I haven’t worked has been Christmas. It’s wearing on my, and I’m having attendence issues (tardies). I’m sure that once I get a couple days off that are actually consecutive, I’ll be fine. Of course, that doesn’t come until Wednesday.

Speaking of Christmas, I made out well. Unlike most people, I actually enjoy being with my family on Christmas. We all get along. There was one slip up this year, though. At breakfast (at 2 p.m.), my brother bumped the table. When everything almost spilled, he refused to say that he was sorry. This turned into a screaming match. Everything was fine after a while, though.

The loot includes three DVDs of Gasaraki, two DVDs of Ceres, Kingdom Hearts, Wild ARMS 3, Secret of Mana+, the Final Fantasy X Original Soundtrack, and lots of candy. I made out well this year, for no particular reason. Despite all of this talk about what I received, it is always much more pleasure to watch someone else open up their gifts. I seriously think that’s the best part of Christmas.